Surrender

July 17, 2023

Deep down, I think I always know that the ultimate way to make me feel better every time I feel insecure & inferior is to simply….
Focus more on myself.

OK I’ll admit that it’s not that simple but it helps.
Understanding my worth.
Working on being a better version of myself to increase my worth.
Doing things that make me feel good about myself.
Listening to my main character moment playlist.
Intentionally listing my achievements & my good traits & things I love about myself (cause I often forget about it duh my impostor syndrome).

“It’s their loss if they treat me unwell” kind of mentality.
Relating to “I’m shining like Fireworks over your sad empty town” in Taylor Swift’s Dear John.

But there are days when I just feel like I want to… give in
Feeling all these insecurities, this inferiority.
Admitting my submissiveness.
As Phoebe Bridger once describes, “the wanting-to-be-stepped-on feeling”.

Somehow it’s like a drug.
The feeling of “I don’t have to be strong and you can do whatever you want”.
Cause sometimes it’s easier to get hurt than to stand up for myself.
The feeling of just wanting to surrender.
Not the kind of surrender cause I have given my best,
But the kind of surrender without doing anything - pure surrender.

It feels dangerous.
& I don't know if it’s right to feel this way.
& I don't want to know.

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