Changes & Burdens

June 15, 2023

Don’t you feel like there’s this burden to understand yourself when you change? or is it just me?

I know I am under no obligation to be the same person as I was even 10 mins ago, but I just can’t help to feel like I need to understand clearly why I change. And sometimes I have this other burden to explain the reasons to others - especially to people I care about. What triggers it? Why? Since when? How is the thought process? I strangely find peace of mind if I can decypher these questions in a coherent way, even though I might not end up explaining them to others.

Well I know not all of the changes in me can be treated that way - and truthfully I’m still working on myself to accept this fact lol. However, lately there’s this old scene from 500 Days of Summer circulating around the net:

I JUST WOKE UP ONE DAY. AND I KNEW.
Wow, that’s it. That is exactly how I feel sometimes.

ONE DAY I JUST WOKE UP AND I KNEW.
ONE DAY SOMEONE JUST SAID SOMETHING AND I KNEW.
ONE DAY NOTHING HAPPENED AND I JUST KNEW.
((Yes I am being validated by a fictional character in a fictional movie lol such an irony))

Well maybe if I peel the layers, I’d find out that the changes are not really that instant. Maybe it’s the result of unconscious accumulation of thousands of encounters, millions of words, billions of feelings.

But who cares?
There’s… nothing to be explained about.

Or maybe there’s something to be explained about but there’s no one I owe an explanation to. 

Actually I do care lol. A lot. And I doubt it could get real better real soon lol. I guess let’s try to leave the burden to always clearly understand my changes & explain them to others… Let people misunderstand me and focus more on changing for the better :)

TMI #1:
There’s also this song I like that encourages me to change (for the better of course):
“And you look back
You're going round in circles
Your world feels just the same
Your heart keeps breaking in the same way
Something has to change”
-Something Has to Change by The Japanese House

TMI #2:
I think it was when I broke up with my 7years boyfriend that I began to strongly feel like I need to explain myself. I used to rarely open up about my relationships so very few people (or maybe none) understand the dynamic of my past relationship(s). & I knew people would wonder or ask me why (which did actually happen). “So regrettable” “Why now, after that long?” “How did you start feeling like it needed to end?”. I helplessly thought I need a decent and coherent answer for that. And yes I did write long notes in case I need to explain it & it did make me feel better. But I guess what’s more important is whether I’m changing for the better & whether I’m happier now - which so far thankfully, yes 😊 I do have lots of insecurities about the future, but my days feel a lot lighter now. AND you know what I have been wanting to share many things related to my breakup because it’s such a major thing that impacted my life this year but somehow I was never comfortable enough lol I guess this is the start. It happened beginning of this year as well so it has been quite a while, I think I’m more ready now (I hope)

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