A Messy Snapshot of My Thoughts These Past ~2Months

November 19, 2023

((Context: I just moved to a new city beginning of last month hehe))

I always thought that I was a super fan of adventures and I was always down for adventures. But this time strangely I felt so nervous and afraid. 

I’ve been to several abroad programs & I have never thought about “How if I don’t have any friends there?” I’m not sure if it’s because I had an ultimate loner mindset or if I was more confident in myself - but I was not afraid at all. 

Maybe it’s because this will be the longest & furthest I will be away from my home; and it’s to a place where I am not familiar at all & I can’t speak the language; I lived in Tokyo & KL for several months, but both of them felt quite familiar. I read shojo manga since I was a little kid, and Malaysia has always been Indonesia’s closest neighbor - we even have a similar language. Maybe it’s because I always had people in the same boat as me - fellow interns, fellow exchange students. I had people that I could relate to. But this time, it’s to a city where I didn’t even know what’s inside it, and I have really no one in the same circumstances as me, as it’s for work and I’m the only one going. Maybe it’s because everything is new here down to the small little details in daily life and I don’t know if I can adjust well. Maybe it’s because this is full-time work and there’s a lot of pressure in it. I’m hard on myself, at least that’s what some people told me.

Maybe it’s because I’m getting older so I’m more afraid of spending my time “wrongly” even tho I think it depends on one's perspective. I am such a hopeless romantic & I know I’m not that young anymore & I don’t know if I will ever find someone I would want to spend the rest of my life with (cliche, I know).

But maybe it’s also because… I value my personal relationships more than ever now. I admit I had such a lone-wolf mindset. Back then I had people I was close to, but I always believed I was bad at keeping in touch, and I have never thought I couldn’t live without them. Yet right now I feel like I have so much to lose back at home. So much that I actually want to keep them forever. I’m afraid that when I go back in the future, everything has changed & I won’t have the same relationship with them as before.

As I grow older, I also realize the appeal of having adventures is decreasing - meanwhile, the appeal of having a peaceful & stable life is increasing. I value the relationship I have with myself more. I’m putting more effort & prioritizing how I can make life here feel homey, rather than planning to travel and see the world. And honestly, I feel very troubled about this, I feel like I should have been happier. I feel like I should have been busy planning to do something new, to see the world. I wonder if I am too slow in adapting.  

One thing I know, the appeal of having adventures might be decreasing, but they’re not totally gone. Seeing new things, going to new places, the idea of it still sounds interesting. Even or maybe even more if I’m alone haha I enjoy being alone a lot actually. But I feel like I’m too caught up in feeling homey to take action about these interesting things. I need to find balance in feeling homey and having adventures. Maybe I need to force myself to be more adventurous. Cause that’s the beauty of being in a completely foreign place, isn’t it? 

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