Who Was She?
These days I’ve been thinking quite often about one particular version of myself that now feels like a stranger. I can’t relate to her anymore and it’s becoming difficult to even understand her. It was around 2015 to 2022 - when I entered my university years and when I was in my longest relationship. I’m not sure exactly what happened, but time after time I became quieter, more introverted, more in my world, more into this dangerous thought that I don’t want to need anyone in my life, and also… to disappear. What surprised me the most was how, during this timeframe, I kind of pushed myself to be nonchalant about love. Girl I’ve been having crushes since I was 6 years old. I have never been really single since I was 13. There was always, always someone. It was my grand hobby to read tons of shojo mangas and teenlit romance novels. I thought about my crushes before I went to sleep, to help me fall asleep. My life and my head were heavily revolving around love, so it doesn’t really make sense to remember that I was nonchalant about love for quite a long time. I remember thinking that I had a lot in my life already and love is the last thing that I want to worry about. I took pride in not being a jealous partner. I took pride in almost never having been in a fight - which now I understand is a red flag to not talk through difficult things…especially for 7 years. Problems and worries can’t just be solved by themselves. Life happened and romance was still my favorite genre, but it felt more and more like fiction, fairytales that I couldn’t achieve.
Maybe I was focusing on the wrong things. I remember vividly that I was so sure of my ex because he’s the extreme opposite of my dad - extremely financially reliable and diligent with no toxic friends. But still I worked hard. I swore to never depend on anyone financially. Even when I was dating, I had this rule never to let my ex pay for something that I couldn’t afford by myself. I need to be able to maintain the same quality of life with or without him. At one point in my life, I realized that while it’s important for me to have someone who’s financially independent, he doesn’t need to be the extreme opposite of my dad. I am financially reliable too and I don’t mind sharing financial responsibilities with my partner. Actually I’m happy to contribute. There are more important qualities that I need from a partner. Like for instance… having someone who offers comfort for me to talk about everything. Including and especially, difficult things.
When I think about how it happened, I think about my parents. My dad is not really a role model of a good dad & husband. It’s kind of generational and I don’t want to blame him. Still, as I grew older I kind of saw more and more of the impact of it. What it does to my mom, to my brother, to me. Seeing the men around my mom’s life made me lose faith in love, especially my dad & my granddads (yes, plural). My mom has also lost her faith in love and talked to me A LOT about it. And how I process this is that I developed a trust issue and won’t let myself be dependent on a person. Not only financially but also emotionally. It scared me to be too vulnerable to someone and give them power to crush me. Thinking that many men are not good people, I accepted a lot of “at least”s - as my mom often told me, “at least your dad is not a cheater”. Then I asked her if he would cheat if he had more money, and my mom couldn’t give me a definite answer. I, too, made the wrong person a God and I regret it.
I think living in this “too independent” mode kind of made me lose my spark to live. I believed I was replaceable and it would be ok for everyone if I just disappeared like I had never been born. Until I grew tired of being so negative, broke up with my ex, reconnected with my best friends, and eventually opened myself up to my current partner. I can’t really pinpoint how I started to feel like something had to change… Feels like it just kind of happened. But I knew that it was in the back of my mind for a long time, the what-ifs. And to be honest this feels a lot more like me, to revolve my life around love and connections. It makes me feel that life is worth living for. I still have trust issues when it comes to love, but I am learning to trust (of course reasonably and not blindly) and to let myself enjoy the moments. A lot of love stories still feel like a fairytale, but I am learning to reshape my definition of an ideal love story - a realistic one.